“Burger Syndrome”; a phenomenon of moderate to extreme cringe towards one's native culture, traditions and local language.
Roughly half of the population is affected by this syndrome in Pakistan today, statistics show, and the virus seems to grow at an uncanny rate, especially in economically developing areas.
However, no vaccines have yet been discovered or invented to cure the virus—alarming news for some yet quite reliving for others nonetheless.
Although may not be in the exact context, but the mentioning of this syndrome has been present in our literature for quite some time now. Patras Bukhari's work, Anwar Maqsood's plays, and even the early dramas aired during the initial days of PTV to mention a few.
Manto's name comes up again and again when talking about such writers, and Imran Khan in his autobiography thoroughly explains how cool it was to speak Urdu with lots of English mixed in during his time at Aitchison College in the 70s.
The oldest evidence of this syndrome, however, can be found in 19th-century India.
Varca Hocane* in 1847, for instance, mentions in his book explaining how colonizers insisted on calling the native landlords in India—locally known as “Babus”—as Baboons, and made great excuses justifying how difficult it was for them to pronounce the local words—a trait that the divide-and-rule–medium schools have appeared to take to the heart.
Apart from Christian missionaries, the root of this syndrome, as mentioned prior, traces all the way back to British India, precisely to the Senate of Serampore College University, established in 1818.
Later, following the transfer of the capital of the British Indian Empire to Calcutta, the University of Calcutta and institutions affiliated with it were crowned the honors.
The most prominent victims to date, quite unsurprisingly were the ruling elites of the Indian subcontinent. Although lacking research and authentic data, the then scientists believed that the syndrome developed from a deep desire to become cheap imitations of the Englishmen and an extreme sense of insecurity in one's identity.
Some frequently affected groups also included the local elites, Maharajahs, and the Parsi community. The least affected were also the ones most independent of the colonial rule; Northwestern Pathans of the Indian subcontinent, for instance.
Following the partition, the not-so-independent citizens failed to get rid of the virus and victims continued to spread it, affecting their offspring and later private and military institutions, usually closely guarded through kinship and avoiding all contact with the local community and traditions.
This rose to an increasing demand for lacking entertainment, which was solved by private clubs, underground bars, and gated communities—all of which were restricted for the low caste commoners—following the footprints of the colonial past.
“Yawr the most effective way to keep this syndrome within a community is to pretend as a First Worlder within a Third World,” Rue Mullick* explains in an interview, “strictly avoiding inter-medium Shaadian and maintaining a strategic Faasla from the mass, like honestly.”
Wives and mothers performed an essential role in selecting and introducing advantageous matches for marriage to fully guard the virus, carefully reviewing and vetting candidates’ family backgrounds, reputations, and assets to ensure a level of parity exists between prospective spouse’s families.
Though Pakistan’s caste system was relatively open in the years following the partition, it is now extremely rare, if not impossible, for an individual of lower or middle caste to be affected by the authentic colonial virus, regardless of their talent, education, or even complexion.
The decline of stable government and the rise of commercial schools have also reportedly played a significant role in the further development of the virus.
Recent studies show that the DNA has taken some unexpected turns in the last decades and so—being more likely to affect the victim admiring American values more than those of the British ones for the past. Though still needs more research to be absolutely sure, specifically in the area of soccer vs football.
Usually, parents pay a tremendous amount of fees to institutions specializing in the field, often in dollars and pounds to vaccinate their offspring in order to keep the virus from escaping. The use of native language, entertainment and literature, thus, is strictly forbidden in homes and schools for added security.
Today, common symptoms of the virus include intentional mispronunciation of the native words, unnecessary use of the English language in conversations, and admiring the western lifestyle by frequently disregarding the local culture and traditions.
Few species, native to capital territory boarding Margalla Hills have also known to inherit some physical characteristics of the colonizers; dying their hair with light—usually blonde—color. The market for face powder, fairness creams, and bleach also booms and the male group of the species prefers western suits, imported cigars, and golf.
Apart from common apparent symptoms, the habitat of the victims usually contains strong clues of wannabe First World citizen; clay angles marking their spots on the shelves usually bought from thrift stores donated by the whites, imported liquors in the cupboards, and Picasso-inspired nude art covering the walls.
The hints of western makeovers are also becoming increasingly popular among the teens—the most suffered group of the community. According to experts, in the next few decades, the victims are expected to be found in the nation's top ranks, infiltrating the economy and democratic process along the way.
However crazy or alarming the situation may sound, no safety measures have yet been taken by the government against the whole scenario, as, in their own words, “These creatures run and own most of the wealth in the country today and are, in fact, bound to protect their colonial heritage for decades to come.” — The heritage long abandoned in Britain itself now.
Disclaimer: No attempts have been made to attack the English language, in any way or manner possible except for its unnecessary and misuse. Thus, please avoid debunking 'why this article is composed in English' then. Thank you very much.
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Alyan Khan is an author and sociopolitical activist from Pakistan.
Myra Gul is a photojournalist and model currently based in New York.
Courtesy of Dawn News
Courtesy of Dawn News