Your heart and soul have a deep desire for intimacy, but if you fear it, you probably do everything you can to push it away, despite your best efforts. Over and over, you find yourself getting stuck in a game of tug-of-war: "Come close, go away."
Why? Why would you be afraid of something you so deeply want and yearn for?
You want to be deeply seen, understood, and known. You yearn for the delicious joy of connection, for the exquisite flow of love that occurs between two open hearts who profoundly “get” each other.
A wide range of psychological research now confirms that although you can live without intimacy, you can’t grow and thrive in the same ways. There are even some studies that link a lack of intimacy with a shorter lifespan. Sometimes associated with an anxiety disorder, intimacy problems can show up in familial, platonic and romantic relationships.
There is nothing more blissful and enlivening than intimacy. On the other hand, there may not be anything scarier.
The Two Major Fears of Intimacy
Take a moment to remember, when you were growing up, the times you felt very close to someone — parents, a sibling, a friend. Did something (or things) happen that hurt you?
Did the person you loved reject you with anger, judgments, criticism, or withdrawal? Did the person leave you or die? Is your fear associated with witnessing the suffering of your loved ones?
You weren’t born fearing intimacy. These issues originated somewhere in your past and figuring out why can go a long way toward helping you view relationships in a different light. As you think about this, you might realize the answer is quite obvious.
The takeaway point here is just that if you can pinpoint the origins of your fear of closeness, you can start to consciously reply to these doubts and rationally develop a new view of intimacy. In time, the new view will be what dictates your emotional responses.
A fear of intimacy is not, at its heart, a fear of intimacy. It’s the fear of an insurmountable loss.
Was the person you loved controlling, engulfing, smothering or left when they did not want to? Did you have to give yourself up to keep them?
Is your fear the fear of losing another person you love, or of losing yourself in a close relationship?
Those who have a fear of engulfment are afraid of being controlled, dominated, or "losing themselves" in a relationship, and this sometimes stems from growing up in an enmeshed family.
These are fears substantial enough to potentially paralyze you as soon as you experience romantic connection.
Someone who fears intimacy may:
When you were growing up, you may not have received role modeling on how to lovingly, healthily manage rejection and engulfment from your parents or caregivers. But it's never too late to learn.
If you knew you could show up for yourself, now, as a strong, capable adult, would you fear love less? If you recognized yourself as an emotionally healthy person who could recover from potential rejection and loss, and set boundaries to stave off engulfment, would you still fear intimacy? If you knew you were strong enough to choose losing a partner rather than losing yourself, would you fear intimacy?
The key insight here is that a fear of intimacy is not, at its heart, a fear of intimacy. It’s the fear of an insurmountable loss. If you don’t truly believe yourself capable of recovering after the loss of a loved one, you become very vulnerable to losing yourself. And that in itself is terrifying. Avoidance of intimacy might seem like the wisest way to minimize the risk of getting hurt.
But when you do that, an even deeper heartache results. Intimacy is one of the most beautiful experiences in life, and ignoring it leads to a disaster later in life.
“It’s likely a defense mechanism. You don’t allow yourself to become vulnerable or trust in someone else because you don’t want to get hurt.”
Becoming strong enough to love means becoming strong enough to lose love — and to know that you will be okay.
So, how do you develop this strong self? This version of you who knows, without a doubt, that you’re capable of surviving loss and rejection? This happens, naturally, as you take steps toward learning to love yourself. [Read more]
Constant fear of intimacy feels safe but it will stop you from loving yourself too in the long run. humans are deep souls, they can't live without it. Sometimes all you need is deeper connections with new people, less distances, and lots of love.
These six steps will guide you through that process.
1. Be willing to feel pain and take responsibility for your feelings.
All feelings are informational, letting us know whether we're loving ourselves or abandoning ourselves, or if others are being loving or controlling.
Staying away from pain is a pain itself, especially if that pain gives something worth living, even if only for a short while.
Sometimes worst has already happened to us, and even if we try to hold onto the past, reality is that, it can't get any worse. And if we get out of it somehow—the fear of history repeating itself—everything becomes just fine.
Step one is mindfully following your breath to get present in your body, and compassionately embracing all feelings.
It's about moving toward your feelings rather than away from them with various forms of self-abandonment, such as staying focused in your head, judging yourself, turning to addictions to numb out, or making someone else responsible for your feelings.
“Being vulnerable is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, because that's when we are being our selves the most. Same goes for accepting the pain, and in fact chasing it to overcome it. Do you need to be every person you meet's best friend? No that might be going to an unhealthy opposite extreme, but when you do find someone who you enjoy talking to, you could try overriding your instinct to runaway, and open yourself up to them a little. If it doesn't go the way you hoped it would, that's alright! That happens to use all in life. It's not because of a flaw in you, or the other person. It was just a missed connection. And if it goes the way you expected, and you find the deeper connection, let it grow. Fight, argue, stay away and comeback but never break the bond. Finding a connection with someone when you are at your worst in life is rare, never lose it! Be proud of yourself for doing something that was difficult for you. That takes strength. When you're ready try.” [Reddit, r/INFP]
2. Move into the intent to learn.
In inner bonding, there are only two possible intentions in any given moment:
To protect against pain, avoiding responsibility for it, through various forms of addictive and controlling behavior.
To learn about what you're doing or thinking that may be causing your pain — or what may be happening between you and another person or situation — so that you can move into taking loving action on your own behalf.
Invite the loving presence of your higher self into your heart, and consciously open to learning about loving yourself.
Causes of fear of intimacy can sometimes be linked to general confusion about what you want in life. If, say, you don’t know what kind of partner you really want, or what you want to accomplish with that partner, it can be tempting to just avoid romance altogether.
So, take some time to imagine your ideal life circumstances. What will you be doing for a living, and how will you be spending your time? Where will you be living? And, crucially, who will you be living with? Life does not need a destination, but it does need a direction. Otherwise, we get lost.
3. Learn about your false beliefs.
Step three is a deep and compassionate process of exploration — of learning about your beliefs and behavior, and about what is happening with a person or situation that may be causing your pain.
Ask your feeling self — your inner child — "What am I thinking or doing that's causing the painful feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, jealousy, anger, loneliness, or emptiness?" Allow the answer to come from inside — from your feelings.
Your problem is based on a misunderstanding rather than on a lack of actual experience - or as you put it, on emotional and sexual immaturity. [Linda Blair—see the sources below.]
Usually these things stems from- you guessed it: a lack of self worth and believe. When someone is treating us nicely, and things are going well, to the person with no self-worth it feels unfamiliar and strange. Pain is what they know. Abandonment is what they know. Longing, tension, anxiety. Those are all of our feelings associated with our love, not things being easy, flowing and joyful. When things are easy, we think it is a trap, and often back off.
So the first step is awareness. Notice when your inner critic is speaking, and deliberately shut it down. You might try simply turning your attention to something else, or saying a firm “No!” (either out loud or in your head). In the longer term, try actively rewriting the beliefs espoused by your inner critic. One useful technique here is to write down what the critic says, then write down positive statements that work as substitutes.
Once you understand what you're thinking or doing that's causing these feelings, then you explore with your ego-wounded self to understand the fears and false beliefs leading to the self-abandoning thoughts and actions.
If you feel lonely, heartbroken, or helpless over someone, you ask yourself what is happening between you and another person that is causing these painful feelings.
Underlying fear of intimacy often lies a feeling that a person does not deserve to be loved and supported. This leads to the need to be "perfect" to prove oneself lovable. Other times its not about one not wanting help, but rather that they will grow fonder of them and may not able to lose them. Whether it takes the form of being a workaholic or other manifestations of perfectionism, the fear often works to push others away rather than draw them near.
We often avoid love when, in actual fact, we need it the most. In our pain, in our suffering because we fear it will enhance it. But this is the exact time when we should in fact chase it. Because as much as we think we don't deserve love, we do.
Overcoming the past, just as making it difficult as well, is a team effort. One needs people, preferably new ones who have not seen you during your best, and making deeper connections with them. That someone can either be a friend or someone even more than that, that choice lies in your hands. But fear, of anything, should be absent. As often avoiding the pain is an act of either living in the past, or in the future, ignoring the present.
Intimacy is an act of courage. We’re terrified of falling into the void if we leap towards someone. Nothing can change that. But actively avoiding intimacy–avoiding the leap–only makes the prospect of letting people in scarier. Because when we push people away, when we hide our feelings instead of letting people see who we are, the world becomes a truly dangerous place, where everyone is a potential attacker and even our partner’s embrace seems unsafe.
“Relating to animals or nature—at that time—is safe because we will not be judged. Our pet will not abandon us because we are inherently defective. Nature will not reject us because we are personally shameful. People will - or at least it feels like that is what has happened in the past.”
People who experience this fear do not usually wish to avoid intimacy, and may even long for closeness, but frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.
As being an human, as mentioned earlier, accepting new people in life and making a deeper connection with them, knowing that they or you may even leave one day, is as essential as breathing air for living. Without overcoming the fear of leaving, whether from this world or someone, one can never live. Leaving is, in fact, part of everything's existence, whether love or this universe.
4. Start a dialogue with your higher self.
It isn't as hard to connect with your higher guidance as you may think. The key is to be open to learning about loving yourself. The answers may come immediately or over time. They may come in words or images or in dreams. When your heart is open to learning, the answers will come.
Yes, we may get hurt along the way by the shortcomings in others, but it’s important to note that, as adults, we are resilient. When we open ourselves up to love, we create the world we live in. Real love radiates out and is supported by and extended to others.
As this occurs, life is sure to feel more precious, but isn’t that the idea?
5. Take the loving action learned in step four.
You've opened up to your pain, moved into learning, started a dialogue with your feelings, and tapped into your spiritual guidance. In step five, you take the loving action that, over time, heals the shame, anxiety, and depression that have been the result of your self-abandonment.
Sometimes people think of "loving yourself" as a feeling you have to conjure up. A good way to look at loving yourself is by emphasizing the action, "What can I DO to love myself?" rather than "How can I FEEL love for myself?"
6. Evaluate your action.
Once you take the loving action, you check in to see if your pain, anger, and shame are getting healed. If not, you go back through the steps until you discover the truth and loving actions that bring you peace, joy, and a deep sense of intrinsic worth.
Over time, you will discover that loving yourself improves everything in your life — your relationships, your health and well-being, your ability to manifest your dreams, and your self-esteem. Loving and connecting with yourself is the key to being able to love and connect with others and create loving relationships.
But, on flip side, if loving yourself forces you towards isolation and loneliness, it is a sign that self love is not love but in fact merely a self-deception. True self love always leads to accept loving someone and being loved.
Loving yourself is what enables you to raise your frequency and co-create with spirit. Loving yourself is the key to creating a passionate, fulfilled, and joyful life.
Once you’ve completed this process, you’ll no longer be crippled by fear of rejection or engulfment. Self-love creates the emotional safety net you need to keep your heart open to love and intimacy — even when it’s scary.
“The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down: in to me see. That is what intimacy is about - allowing another person to see into us, sharing who we are with another person.”
Finally, though it may sound strange at first, treatment for fear of intimacy often requires deliberately making yourself vulnerable. This is a way of teaching yourself that being close to others doesn’t need to be scary. Start small. Challenge yourself to chat to a new person at work, in a class or just in passing, or share a little-known fact about yourself with a friend, or a stranger, and notice their positive response. Then open up to them more, try to create a deeper connection and plant the seed. You don't necessarily have to taste the fruit.
In time, you can work up to making larger changes, proving both the benefits of intimacy and showing yourself that you actually have the resilience to bounce back when you don’t get the ideal results. While when things feel all the right, you know it is time to get close without the worry of future. It's a process of finding yourself, and not being lost.
When you heal your relationship with yourself and become strong enough to give and receive love, you will experience the incredible joy of intimacy. Thinking otherwise—supported by your fears—is going against mind, and by extension, nature itself.
As this occurs, as mentioned earlier, life is sure to feel more precious, but isn’t that the idea?
Note for loved ones
Try to not react personally or with anger if your loved one tries to push you away. Recognize that they are not rejecting you, but instead deeply fears that you or fate will reject them.
Regular reminders of your love, both in words and in actions, are important. Don't assume they "feel" loved. Rather, create an environment that supports the fact that they are deserving of it.
Most importantly, let them know that getting past the fear is a team effort. While you are likely curious, it's not important for you to understand how this all started.
Instead, what your loved one needs is support and a willingness to listen when they are ready to share. Let them know that what they feel is perfectly normal, and can be cured.
Make them aware that counseling and therapy is a tool. Its not for people who are weak but actually for those who are incredibly strong and make the choice to be happy in life no matter what.
Finally, keep in mind that fear of intimacy usually rears its head in relationships that a person cherished or still cherishes—not those that are superficial. It's also usually triggered by positive emotions instead of negative ones. © Content used was under public domain.
_________________
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., is a best-selling author, relationship expert, and Inner Bonding® facilitator. She has counseled individuals and couples since 1968.
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist. She writes the column Mind Healing for the Daily Telegraph every Monday
Lisa Fritscher is a psychology graduate with experience in community health centers.
Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW is a research professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Foundation – Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work.
Dr. Lisa Firestone is the Director of Research and Education at The Glendon Association. An accomplished and much requested lecturer, Dr. Firestone speaks at national and international conferences in the areas of couple relations, parenting, and suicide and violence prevention.
Anna Kay Akana is an American actress, filmmaker, musician, author, and comedian.
Alyan Khan is a student of philosophy and psychology, writer and sociopolitical activist.
© Content used under public domain.
Why? Why would you be afraid of something you so deeply want and yearn for?
You want to be deeply seen, understood, and known. You yearn for the delicious joy of connection, for the exquisite flow of love that occurs between two open hearts who profoundly “get” each other.
A wide range of psychological research now confirms that although you can live without intimacy, you can’t grow and thrive in the same ways. There are even some studies that link a lack of intimacy with a shorter lifespan. Sometimes associated with an anxiety disorder, intimacy problems can show up in familial, platonic and romantic relationships.
There is nothing more blissful and enlivening than intimacy. On the other hand, there may not be anything scarier.
The Two Major Fears of Intimacy
Take a moment to remember, when you were growing up, the times you felt very close to someone — parents, a sibling, a friend. Did something (or things) happen that hurt you?
Did the person you loved reject you with anger, judgments, criticism, or withdrawal? Did the person leave you or die? Is your fear associated with witnessing the suffering of your loved ones?
You weren’t born fearing intimacy. These issues originated somewhere in your past and figuring out why can go a long way toward helping you view relationships in a different light. As you think about this, you might realize the answer is quite obvious.
The takeaway point here is just that if you can pinpoint the origins of your fear of closeness, you can start to consciously reply to these doubts and rationally develop a new view of intimacy. In time, the new view will be what dictates your emotional responses.
A fear of intimacy is not, at its heart, a fear of intimacy. It’s the fear of an insurmountable loss.
Was the person you loved controlling, engulfing, smothering or left when they did not want to? Did you have to give yourself up to keep them?
Is your fear the fear of losing another person you love, or of losing yourself in a close relationship?
Those who have a fear of engulfment are afraid of being controlled, dominated, or "losing themselves" in a relationship, and this sometimes stems from growing up in an enmeshed family.
These are fears substantial enough to potentially paralyze you as soon as you experience romantic connection.
Someone who fears intimacy may:
- Have low self-esteem
- Have trust issues
- Perfectionism
- Experience episodes of anger, lose control over thoughts
- Have feeling of emptiness, being lost and holding on to the past
- Have trouble forming or committing to close or new relationships, and strongly holding on to the old ones
- Be unable to share feelings or express emotion
- Have insatiable sexual desire
- Prefer to live in self-imposed social isolation
- Ambivalence about social interactions (e.g. wanting to be with others but also worrying about it at the same time)
When you were growing up, you may not have received role modeling on how to lovingly, healthily manage rejection and engulfment from your parents or caregivers. But it's never too late to learn.
If you knew you could show up for yourself, now, as a strong, capable adult, would you fear love less? If you recognized yourself as an emotionally healthy person who could recover from potential rejection and loss, and set boundaries to stave off engulfment, would you still fear intimacy? If you knew you were strong enough to choose losing a partner rather than losing yourself, would you fear intimacy?
The key insight here is that a fear of intimacy is not, at its heart, a fear of intimacy. It’s the fear of an insurmountable loss. If you don’t truly believe yourself capable of recovering after the loss of a loved one, you become very vulnerable to losing yourself. And that in itself is terrifying. Avoidance of intimacy might seem like the wisest way to minimize the risk of getting hurt.
But when you do that, an even deeper heartache results. Intimacy is one of the most beautiful experiences in life, and ignoring it leads to a disaster later in life.
“It’s likely a defense mechanism. You don’t allow yourself to become vulnerable or trust in someone else because you don’t want to get hurt.”
Becoming strong enough to love means becoming strong enough to lose love — and to know that you will be okay.
So, how do you develop this strong self? This version of you who knows, without a doubt, that you’re capable of surviving loss and rejection? This happens, naturally, as you take steps toward learning to love yourself. [Read more]
Constant fear of intimacy feels safe but it will stop you from loving yourself too in the long run. humans are deep souls, they can't live without it. Sometimes all you need is deeper connections with new people, less distances, and lots of love.
These six steps will guide you through that process.
1. Be willing to feel pain and take responsibility for your feelings.
All feelings are informational, letting us know whether we're loving ourselves or abandoning ourselves, or if others are being loving or controlling.
Staying away from pain is a pain itself, especially if that pain gives something worth living, even if only for a short while.
Sometimes worst has already happened to us, and even if we try to hold onto the past, reality is that, it can't get any worse. And if we get out of it somehow—the fear of history repeating itself—everything becomes just fine.
Step one is mindfully following your breath to get present in your body, and compassionately embracing all feelings.
It's about moving toward your feelings rather than away from them with various forms of self-abandonment, such as staying focused in your head, judging yourself, turning to addictions to numb out, or making someone else responsible for your feelings.
“Being vulnerable is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, because that's when we are being our selves the most. Same goes for accepting the pain, and in fact chasing it to overcome it. Do you need to be every person you meet's best friend? No that might be going to an unhealthy opposite extreme, but when you do find someone who you enjoy talking to, you could try overriding your instinct to runaway, and open yourself up to them a little. If it doesn't go the way you hoped it would, that's alright! That happens to use all in life. It's not because of a flaw in you, or the other person. It was just a missed connection. And if it goes the way you expected, and you find the deeper connection, let it grow. Fight, argue, stay away and comeback but never break the bond. Finding a connection with someone when you are at your worst in life is rare, never lose it! Be proud of yourself for doing something that was difficult for you. That takes strength. When you're ready try.” [Reddit, r/INFP]
2. Move into the intent to learn.
In inner bonding, there are only two possible intentions in any given moment:
To protect against pain, avoiding responsibility for it, through various forms of addictive and controlling behavior.
To learn about what you're doing or thinking that may be causing your pain — or what may be happening between you and another person or situation — so that you can move into taking loving action on your own behalf.
Invite the loving presence of your higher self into your heart, and consciously open to learning about loving yourself.
Causes of fear of intimacy can sometimes be linked to general confusion about what you want in life. If, say, you don’t know what kind of partner you really want, or what you want to accomplish with that partner, it can be tempting to just avoid romance altogether.
So, take some time to imagine your ideal life circumstances. What will you be doing for a living, and how will you be spending your time? Where will you be living? And, crucially, who will you be living with? Life does not need a destination, but it does need a direction. Otherwise, we get lost.
3. Learn about your false beliefs.
Step three is a deep and compassionate process of exploration — of learning about your beliefs and behavior, and about what is happening with a person or situation that may be causing your pain.
Ask your feeling self — your inner child — "What am I thinking or doing that's causing the painful feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, jealousy, anger, loneliness, or emptiness?" Allow the answer to come from inside — from your feelings.
Your problem is based on a misunderstanding rather than on a lack of actual experience - or as you put it, on emotional and sexual immaturity. [Linda Blair—see the sources below.]
Usually these things stems from- you guessed it: a lack of self worth and believe. When someone is treating us nicely, and things are going well, to the person with no self-worth it feels unfamiliar and strange. Pain is what they know. Abandonment is what they know. Longing, tension, anxiety. Those are all of our feelings associated with our love, not things being easy, flowing and joyful. When things are easy, we think it is a trap, and often back off.
m. Dear Zindagi (transl. Dear Life)
Once you understand what you're thinking or doing that's causing these feelings, then you explore with your ego-wounded self to understand the fears and false beliefs leading to the self-abandoning thoughts and actions.
If you feel lonely, heartbroken, or helpless over someone, you ask yourself what is happening between you and another person that is causing these painful feelings.
Underlying fear of intimacy often lies a feeling that a person does not deserve to be loved and supported. This leads to the need to be "perfect" to prove oneself lovable. Other times its not about one not wanting help, but rather that they will grow fonder of them and may not able to lose them. Whether it takes the form of being a workaholic or other manifestations of perfectionism, the fear often works to push others away rather than draw them near.
Overcoming the past, just as making it difficult as well, is a team effort. One needs people, preferably new ones who have not seen you during your best, and making deeper connections with them. That someone can either be a friend or someone even more than that, that choice lies in your hands. But fear, of anything, should be absent. As often avoiding the pain is an act of either living in the past, or in the future, ignoring the present.
Intimacy is an act of courage. We’re terrified of falling into the void if we leap towards someone. Nothing can change that. But actively avoiding intimacy–avoiding the leap–only makes the prospect of letting people in scarier. Because when we push people away, when we hide our feelings instead of letting people see who we are, the world becomes a truly dangerous place, where everyone is a potential attacker and even our partner’s embrace seems unsafe.
“Relating to animals or nature—at that time—is safe because we will not be judged. Our pet will not abandon us because we are inherently defective. Nature will not reject us because we are personally shameful. People will - or at least it feels like that is what has happened in the past.”
People who experience this fear do not usually wish to avoid intimacy, and may even long for closeness, but frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.
As being an human, as mentioned earlier, accepting new people in life and making a deeper connection with them, knowing that they or you may even leave one day, is as essential as breathing air for living. Without overcoming the fear of leaving, whether from this world or someone, one can never live. Leaving is, in fact, part of everything's existence, whether love or this universe.
4. Start a dialogue with your higher self.
It isn't as hard to connect with your higher guidance as you may think. The key is to be open to learning about loving yourself. The answers may come immediately or over time. They may come in words or images or in dreams. When your heart is open to learning, the answers will come.
Yes, we may get hurt along the way by the shortcomings in others, but it’s important to note that, as adults, we are resilient. When we open ourselves up to love, we create the world we live in. Real love radiates out and is supported by and extended to others.
As this occurs, life is sure to feel more precious, but isn’t that the idea?
5. Take the loving action learned in step four.
You've opened up to your pain, moved into learning, started a dialogue with your feelings, and tapped into your spiritual guidance. In step five, you take the loving action that, over time, heals the shame, anxiety, and depression that have been the result of your self-abandonment.
Sometimes people think of "loving yourself" as a feeling you have to conjure up. A good way to look at loving yourself is by emphasizing the action, "What can I DO to love myself?" rather than "How can I FEEL love for myself?"
6. Evaluate your action.
Once you take the loving action, you check in to see if your pain, anger, and shame are getting healed. If not, you go back through the steps until you discover the truth and loving actions that bring you peace, joy, and a deep sense of intrinsic worth.
Over time, you will discover that loving yourself improves everything in your life — your relationships, your health and well-being, your ability to manifest your dreams, and your self-esteem. Loving and connecting with yourself is the key to being able to love and connect with others and create loving relationships.
But, on flip side, if loving yourself forces you towards isolation and loneliness, it is a sign that self love is not love but in fact merely a self-deception. True self love always leads to accept loving someone and being loved.
Loving yourself is what enables you to raise your frequency and co-create with spirit. Loving yourself is the key to creating a passionate, fulfilled, and joyful life.
Once you’ve completed this process, you’ll no longer be crippled by fear of rejection or engulfment. Self-love creates the emotional safety net you need to keep your heart open to love and intimacy — even when it’s scary.
“The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down: in to me see. That is what intimacy is about - allowing another person to see into us, sharing who we are with another person.”
Finally, though it may sound strange at first, treatment for fear of intimacy often requires deliberately making yourself vulnerable. This is a way of teaching yourself that being close to others doesn’t need to be scary. Start small. Challenge yourself to chat to a new person at work, in a class or just in passing, or share a little-known fact about yourself with a friend, or a stranger, and notice their positive response. Then open up to them more, try to create a deeper connection and plant the seed. You don't necessarily have to taste the fruit.
In time, you can work up to making larger changes, proving both the benefits of intimacy and showing yourself that you actually have the resilience to bounce back when you don’t get the ideal results. While when things feel all the right, you know it is time to get close without the worry of future. It's a process of finding yourself, and not being lost.
When you heal your relationship with yourself and become strong enough to give and receive love, you will experience the incredible joy of intimacy. Thinking otherwise—supported by your fears—is going against mind, and by extension, nature itself.
As this occurs, as mentioned earlier, life is sure to feel more precious, but isn’t that the idea?
Note for loved ones
Try to not react personally or with anger if your loved one tries to push you away. Recognize that they are not rejecting you, but instead deeply fears that you or fate will reject them.
Regular reminders of your love, both in words and in actions, are important. Don't assume they "feel" loved. Rather, create an environment that supports the fact that they are deserving of it.
Most importantly, let them know that getting past the fear is a team effort. While you are likely curious, it's not important for you to understand how this all started.
Instead, what your loved one needs is support and a willingness to listen when they are ready to share. Let them know that what they feel is perfectly normal, and can be cured.
Make them aware that counseling and therapy is a tool. Its not for people who are weak but actually for those who are incredibly strong and make the choice to be happy in life no matter what.
Finally, keep in mind that fear of intimacy usually rears its head in relationships that a person cherished or still cherishes—not those that are superficial. It's also usually triggered by positive emotions instead of negative ones. © Content used was under public domain.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., is a best-selling author, relationship expert, and Inner Bonding® facilitator. She has counseled individuals and couples since 1968.
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist. She writes the column Mind Healing for the Daily Telegraph every Monday
Lisa Fritscher is a psychology graduate with experience in community health centers.
Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW is a research professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Foundation – Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work.
Dr. Lisa Firestone is the Director of Research and Education at The Glendon Association. An accomplished and much requested lecturer, Dr. Firestone speaks at national and international conferences in the areas of couple relations, parenting, and suicide and violence prevention.
Anna Kay Akana is an American actress, filmmaker, musician, author, and comedian.
Alyan Khan is a student of philosophy and psychology, writer and sociopolitical activist.
© Content used under public domain.